So all the information is here. All the forward actions are decided on and in place. All the bruises are healed and outwardly everything is ‘normal’. Anyone seeing me walking down the street, sitting at my desk at work…normal.

Nothing to see here.

But they would be unaware of the chemicals rushing through my body. No pills taken, just molecules manufactured within. No one would know about the effects on internal muscles, connective tissue held so tight, squeezing, crushing every organ, every nerve, every blood vessel making living a series of stressful dreams and wakeful obsession.

“Stress is so dangerous”

“Holding on to stress is so harmful to the body”

How much more harm then to a body already at war, battling an unwelcome intruder, always present and steadily conscripting more and more of its offspring.

The information is there. All forward actions decided upon, arrangements in place….except for the date. Except for the knowledge of ‘when’ this intruder can be ousted. I plead with the forces of nature for this date, I bargain with God. I need this knowledge, I want to know when I can start believing in a recovery so that I can work solely on those internal chemicals to beg them to unchain me.
Allow me freedom, space to breath once again.