‘I’m powerful, I’m loving and I have nothing to fear’

I was chanting these affirmations to myself as I was being dragged up the mountain, willing my skis to stay straight and parallel whilst clenching every unwilling muscle in my buttocks, determined not to sink down on the rubber button wedged between my thighs.

An uncharitable thought arose from between the affirmations;

‘And I’m only doing this for them…’

My spite tasted bad in my clenched jaws. I awoke each morning of this week long bane of misery with fear crawling around deep in the pit of my stomach.

Trying not to spoil it for everyone else, I’d smile and pretend to be excited as I attended to endless layers of clothing and the fearfully tight boots with latches that amusingly resisted the fumbling, thick fingers unwillingly strapping them to my feet. And then there was the awkward, bent knee clumping up to the lift. Astonishingly heavy skis, shiny and slippery, refusing to stay neatly stacked on my shoulder with ski poles adding their final few grams to the bruised skin under my layers.

My mood was not lifted by the utter rudeness of other, more advanced skiers with no understanding or memory of a beginner’s tribulations, as they skied over my skis to arrive at the ski lift before this buffoon. Finally reaching and being man-handled on to the bench seat, it whisked me off my unsteady feet, my boots dangled and a surreal weightlessness ensued.

I took a breath.

My jaw unclenched and the corners of my mouth rose, just a tad. I looked around me, down from my perch and took in the astounding views, the muffled silence and I was in awe.

Perhaps it was worth pushing through the fear, worth shedding that armour I had donned all these years, shielding me against all perils. A saying came to mind, from the prolific writer and speaker, the late Dr Wayne Dyer. He was quoting from the great sages, but I could only paraphrase from my eerie in the sky while I looked at the virgin snow, coating the interesting shapes below:

If you shield the mountain from the wind

It would never possess its wonderous carvings

I’m no skier, and maybe I’d prefer to see those particular ‘wonderous carvings’ another way, but I know now that I’m very glad I put down my shield to see them, even if the whole experienced etched a few more carvings into my skin that week.